


It's Not What You Think...?

by plumtrees



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Condoms, Gen, Innuendo, Kindaichi suffers for it, Kunimi is a devil, M/M, middle school Kindaichi and Kunimi shenanigans, more friendship than shippy tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-16 22:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5843467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumtrees/pseuds/plumtrees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Day 5 for KinKuni Week: Dirty Little Secret</p><p>-</p><p>“I have never,” Watari starts, and Yahaba taps a drum roll on the floor, “touched a condom!”</p><p>Kindaichi is staring at his next cup, wondering if it <em>counts</em> and how on earth he’s going to explain it to the upperclassmen when they, undoubtedly, react, but beside him, Kunimi has no qualms about swiping another cup from the neat row in front of him and chugging the contents in one go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not What You Think...?

“I have never,” Watari starts, and Yahaba taps a drum roll on the floor, “touched a condom!”

Hanamaki and Matsukawa both curse and immediately down another shot of soda. Out of everyone, they are in the most danger of being eliminated, with only three paper cups remaining from the initial ten. Oikawa, predictably, drinks and promptly teases Iwaizumi again for his ten still-full cups.

Kindaichi is staring at his next cup, wondering if it _counts_ and how on earth he’s going to explain it to the upperclassmen when they, undoubtedly, react, but beside him, Kunimi has no qualms about swiping another cup from the neat row in front of him and chugging the contents in one go.

“Wait! You didn’t—” Kindaichi calls out, much too late, and much too suspicious.

“Technically, I did.” Kunimi interrupts, calmly setting his cup down. In the background, everyone has gone silent. Oh no. “I even put it in my mouth.”

“Yeah but—”

“You should drink too, Kindaichi.” Kunimi chides him and Oikawa makes a scandalized little squeak. Kindaichi’s ears burn with embarrassment. “We fooled around with it together, remember? I blew…”

Kunimi purposefully trails off after the word and Kindaichi loses all hope of doing damage control. Matsukawa and Hanamaki are already freaking out, cheering and reaching over to whack Kunimi on the shoulder. Yahaba and Watari are leaning against each other, all laughter and flailing limbs. Beside them, Kyoutani looks torn between constipated and vaguely concerned. Oikawa’s hands are twitching in front of him, face crumpling in various distressed expressions, and Iwaizumi looks like he’s seriously considering knocking himself out with the soda bottle just to avoid having to deal with all this.

“Kunimi-chan?” Oikawa chokes out. “ _Kindaichi?_ ”

“Kids these days.” Hanamaki huffs, between cackles.

“You know what they say about the quiet ones.” Matsukawa follows before losing it completely, falling backwards onto the floor in a pile of uncontrollable giggles with Hanamaki dropping in after him.

“My sweet, innocent first years…”

“I don’t think they’re so innocent after all, Oikawa-san.” Yahaba comments from the crook of Watari’s shoulder, failing to muffle his laughter.

“You’re only overreacting because they got action before you did.” Kyoutani quips. Oikawa glares at him, Kindaichi and Kunimi forgotten for now.

“I’ll have you know I’m very experienced!”

“With your right hand?” Iwaizumi finally says, and all hell breaks loose again while Oikawa sputters indignant declaratives at his childhood friend.

Kindaichi’s not sure why (but Kunimi _had_ always been possessed by weird timing and a mischievous streak a mile wide so maybe he shouldn’t be surprised), but when things finally calm down, Kunimi catches Kindaichi’s eye over Oikawa’s watchful stare, then proceeds to make a ring with his thumb and forefinger, lifting it to his mouth before puckering his lips in the space between.

Oikawa frantically tugs at Iwaizumi’s pant leg, but he’s quickly shut down when Iwaizumi smacks the back of his hand.

-

It happens in their last year of middle school, during mid-morning break. A bunch of their classmates are fooling around, making a ruckus over the pack of condoms someone smuggled in. Their roughhousing causes one of the square packets to fall from the box and slide across the floor, over to the desk Kunimi and Kindaichi are currently jointly occupying.

Kindaichi doesn’t miss it when Kunimi steps on it and slides it out of sight.

It bugs him in between their next three classes, his gaze flicking to Kunimi—two seats to his right. The guy between them doesn’t mind much; but Kindaichi gets called out on his inattention by two different teachers, and just when he’s about to give in to his burning curiosity and pass Kunimi a note, the bell for lunch rings, shrill and relieving. 

He’s practically vibrating in place as he waits by the door for Kunimi, who seems more determined to move at a slower pace than normal. They get to the, thankfully empty, rooftop and Kindaichi leans back against the diamond-mesh fence, the early winter cold nipping at his cheeks. Kunimi sits down beside him and finally takes it out from his blazer pocket, rolling the thin gold foil easily between his fingers.

“Why did you take that?” Kindaichi finally asks, the itch far too persistent for him to even bother skirting around the topic.

“Just curious.” Kunimi mumbles, and that’s that. Kindaichi has long since learned that Kunimi will never think to elaborate unless he’s pressed to do so. He rips the packet open and pulls out a yellow rubbery disk, gleaming with some oily substance. Kindaichi tilts his head at it. He’s never seen a condom before, but he knows what they’re for. Looking at the real thing now, none of his previously-imagined visuals of it comes close. 

Heat crawls up his cheeks when he’s reminded of the very brief research he did on the topic, filled with awkward glancing at his bedroom door and trying to figure out how to delete one’s browser history.

“That’s supposed to go on your…”

“Your penis, yes.” Kunimi finishes and Kindaichi’s face full-on burns bright red at his best friend’s lack of delicacy.

Kunimi carefully holds it by the protruding nub, between his thumb and forefinger. He’s eyeing it like it can reveal to him a life-changing secret at any moment. Kindaichi is still trying to figure out how it even goes _on_ a penis, but gives up after a few seconds, busying himself with picking up the foil packaging that Kunimi carelessly discarded, reminding himself to throw it away in the bathroom before class resumes.

Several beats of silence pass, and whatever it is Kunimi is looking for, he apparently doesn’t find. He shrugs carelessly and begins to _unroll_ it. Kindaichi’s brain makes a _ding!_ sound. 

_Oh._

Now that it’s unrolled Kindaichi thinks it looks just like one of the gloves his mom puts on before she checks someone’s teeth; if only the glove were for one finger; and if the finger was five inches long and significantly thicker. Kindaichi blushes again at the mental images that bombard him.

He comes back to reality just in time to see Kunimi press the hole of the condom against his lips.

“What are you doing?!” he screeches, scrambling to grab at Kunimi’s wrists.

Kunimi bats his hands away and exhales, filling the condom with just enough air to cause it to bulge and go near-transparent. He pinches the end with his fingers to keep the air trapped and looks at him like there’s absolutely nothing wrong.

“It’s not like we’re gonna use it for its intended purpose, right?” 

Kunimi has a point, he has to agree, but he still doesn’t see how that conclusion relates to _let’s blow this condom up like a regular balloon_. Suddenly, Kunimi licks his lips and frowns and worry immediately replaces Kindaichi’s confusion.

“Is there something wrong? Oh god, it’s not poisonous is it? Do you want water?” Kindaichi fires off, frantically shoving his water jug in Kunimi’s face.

“No. Just slippery.” Kunimi reassures, ignoring Kindaichi’s panic. “There are flavored ones though. I wonder if they actually taste like they say they do.”

Kindaichi sighs inwardly, hopes that Kunimi doesn’t suddenly develop an interest in buying flavored condoms just so he can test his theory. Kunimi returns his attention to the condom and blows a little more, just up until it’s around the size of his head, before tying the end with a deft twist of his fingers. 

He bounces it on his palm, once, twice, then passes it over to Kindaichi, who haphazardly pushes it back like he’s receiving a volleyball. Kunimi rolls his eyes and he shifts to bounce it on his elbow. It’s a dull game, but it seems to keep Kunimi entertained for some reason, so Kindaichi endures.

Up until a gust of wind comes and blows the little balloon over the chain-link fence.

They look over the railing and simultaneously go pale when they see the balloon floating towards the female second graders’ P.E. class.

**Author's Note:**

> plot twist I didn't porn for this haha
> 
> chat me up @ [plumtreeforest.tumblr.com](http://plumtreeforest.tumblr.com) I'm always game for talking about my ships!


End file.
